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| DEAN'S LIST |
Bottom Line: BottomLine Must Go!
05-26-2004 |
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| Energizer Bunny finally "outlasted" by equally meddlesome BottomLine. |
There’s really no need for ESPN’s BottomLine sports ticker during highlight shows. When I watch "SportsCenter," “NFL Primetime” and “Baseball Tonight,” I’m in it for the long haul. It might sound nutty, but there’s a certain excitement to it all. The anticipation builds with each segment, and I don’t need a ticker spoiling my fun. But the ticker never stops - it keeps going and going and going, like that cursed Energizer Bunny. Ignoring it doesn’t do any good. The BottomLine eventually sucks you in and ruins everything. Sadly, Scotch Taping paper towels to the bottom of the screen is the only escape. So ESPNEWS and live game broadcasts can keep their never-ending ticker - just get it off the wrap-up shows. In the meantime, I’m running low on Scotch Tape and paper towels. BottomLine, my patience is ticking…
Tick, tick, tick…
But I’m not done. It’s a good thing there’s no BottomLine on ESPN Classic. Simulating a “classic” day in sports on a ticker might be the worst idea ever. Ha! The Classic BottomLine – now that’s classic…
From classic to classless, we turn our attention to the Derek Jeter Stat Line of the Day: .189 BA, 63.3 AB/HR, .249 OBP, .279 SLG…
I’m Dean Christopher, and I support the following message: The Presidential race is heating up, but the negative ads being aired by the Bush camp are ice-cold. In fact, they could use a bench-warming on the DL. So here goes: they begin austerely, with a determined Bush approaching the camera. Then he says, “I’m George Bush, and I support the following message.” Well, listen up, Bushboy: I’m Dean Christopher, and I support TiVo…
When you get a minute, check out the feature article on the homepage. In “Spinning sports into politics,” I propose an enhanced role for stats in Washington. After all, the numbers don’t lie…
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| Bizarro Reggie Miller Tayshaun Prince. |
There’s something bizarre about the term Bizarro. In particular, where did it come from? WordIQ.com offers this explanation of Bizarro’s origin:
“Bizarro was created by using the 'duplicating ray' on the adult Superman by Lex Luthor who hoped to use the duplicate to attack Superman. However, Bizarro did not cooperate and instead tried to emulate Superman. Unfortunately, his attempts to match the originals' heroics were clumsy and destructive and he kidnapped Lois. Superman solved the situation with Lois by creating a Bizarro Lois for Bizarro. Feeling rejected by the people of Earth, he moved to the world of Thrae which had ancient advanced technology which was used to populate with the planet with other Bizarros created in the same manner. Almost everyone on Thrae looked like an ugly Superman (and possessed super powers) or an ugly Lois Lane. When Superman visited, he was arrested for being normal but he plea bargained a proposal to change the shape of the world into a cube for his release. The original Bizarro wore a button that said 'Bizarro No. 1.' His only weakness was blue Kryptonite, created by using the same machine to duplicate green Kryptonite. In the Bizarro world, society is ruled by the Bizarro Code, which states that it is a crime to do anything well or to make anything perfect or beautiful.”
Just like that, the coastal contrast in the NBA became clear to me. The Bizarro Code has taken over the East, effectively making it the Bizzaro Conference of pro basketball. Naturally then, the Superhero Conference in the West must defeat its weaker, uglier counterpart. But fear not – goodness will always triumph over badness…
On an equally Bizarro note, the match-up between Rick Hamilton and Reggie Miller has become the focal point of the Eastern Conference Finals. Hamilton might remind you of a young Miller, but he’s no imposter. He’s not even not Reggie’s sworn enemy. Tayshaun Prince is Miller’s real nemesis. Tayshaun Prince is the Bizarro Reggie Miller. Picture it - the bizarrely striking resemblance follows the Bizarro Code to a tee. So Bizarro Miller’s game-saving block of the real Miller’s lay-up attempt in the waning moments of game two shouldn’t have come as a surprise. In fact, it was nothing short of a classic Bizarro foil. But as the comic goes, the real Miller will have the last laugh…
Your two-day stint on the The Bizarro List ends on an aptly Bizzaro note: If Dean Cain and Christopher Reeves are both the real Superman, then I’m the Bizzaro Superman known as Dean Christopher. Until Friday, class dismissed… |
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