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| DEAN'S LIST |
Forward Progress: A Backward Regression
09-07-2006 |
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| Upon further review, the ruling on the field stands: "Forward progress" makes no sense! |
There’s something redundant about “forward progress.” I repeat: There’s something redundant about “forward progress.” As if regular old “progress” isn’t specific enough, we have to specify where it’s headed? Is “stationary progress” even possible? What about the moronically oxymoronic “backward progress”? Seems to me the very notion of “forward progress” is a “backward regression” for the English language. …
Speaking of gridiron gobbledygook, “forward lateral” makes about as much sense as “backward horizontal.” …
Before every season, NFL pundits like to agree on a surprise team. Past choices include the 1994 Patriots, who were entering the second year of the Bill Parcells/Drew Bledsoe era, and the 2002 Falcons, led by Dan Reeves and first-year starter Mike Vick. This season, the experts concur that the offensively stacked Cardinals, in the second year of the Dennis Green regime, will be the surprise team of the league. But how can a surprise be surprising if everyone expects its arrival? Surprise - it can’t! The only surprise here is the surprisingly silly notion of a preseason consensus surprise team. ...
Forget about a quarterback controversy. With talented signal-caller Cleo Lemon backing up three-time Pro Bowler Daunte Culpepper for the Dolphins, the age-old battle between fruit and vegetables is set to unfold in Miami for years to come. …
When Mike Martz’s run as an NFL coach comes to an end, the alleged offensive mastermind should open up a chain of convenience stores in the St. Louis area. The catch? Every store is furnished with Astroturf. The tagline? “The Greatest Store on Turf.” The head of checkout operations? Former two-time NFL MVP and onetime grocery bagger himself, Kurt Warner. Oh, and the name? “Mike Martz.” How convenient …
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| With Cleo Lemon trailing Daunte Culpepper on the Dolphins depth chart, the age-old battle between fruit and vegetables is unfolding in Miami. |
Never mind a touchdown. The “whole nine yards” won’t even get you a first down. ...
Maybe ESPN - which feels free to broadcast non-athletic events such as spelling bees, hot dog eating contests and poker - is more than just “The Worldwide Leader in Sports.” Maybe it’s “The Worldwide Leader in Competition.” And with that kind of programming leeway, who knows what those wacky executives in Bristol will sign on to next? Staring contests? Thumb wars? Rock, paper, scissors? The possibilities are as endless and as mind-numbing as the ESPN brand itself. …
There’s no need for ESPN’s BottomLine sports ticker during highlight shows. When I watch “SportsCenter,” “NFL Primetime” and “Baseball Tonight,” I’m in it for the long haul, and I don’t need a ticker spoiling my fun. But the ticker never stops. It keeps going and going and going, like that cursed Energizer Bunny. Ignoring it doesn’t do any good. The BottomLine inevitably sucks you in, spoiling hours of anticipation. Sadly enough, Scotch Taping paper towels to the bottom of your TV screen is the only escape. Naturally, ESPNEWS and live game broadcasts should stick with the ticker. Just get it off the wrap-up shows. In the meantime, I’m running low on Scotch Tape and paper towels.
Dean Christopher Chiungos is an Eagle-Tribune columnist and a fantasy baseball writer/editor for MLB.com. Visit his MLBlog at www.deanslist.mlblogs.com. E-mail him at dean.christopher@deans-list.net. |
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