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| DEAN'S LIST |
Imperatively Speaking
08-15-2006 |
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| Rulon Jones isn't just a former two-time Pro Bowl defensive end for the Broncos. He's an imperative sentence (Rule on, Jones!). |
It’s imperative to understand that some names aren’t just names. They’re imperative sentences. Just ask PGA golfer Notah Begay (Notah, be gay!), Blue Jays right-hander Justin Speier (Just inspire!), Indians southpaw C.C. Sabathia (C.C. Sabathia!), White Sox right fielder Jermaine Dye (Jermaine, die!), Astros first baseman Jeff Bagwell (Jeff, bag well!), Buccaneers punter Josh Bidwell (Josh, bid well!), former Patriots linebacker Andre Tippett (Andre, tip it!), longtime Chargers linebacker Junior Seau (Junior, say "ow"!), former Broncos defensive end Rulon Jones (Rule on, Jones!), free-agent punter Toby Gowin (Toby, go in!) and former Colts quarterback Johnny Unitas (Johnny, unite us!). ...
Curious how the White Sox drafted southpaw Ray Liotta with their second-round pick in the 2004. After all, it was Ray Liotta – albeit a different Ray Liotta – who played former ChiSox outfielder “Shoeless” Joe Jackson in “Field of Dreams.” Of course, Ray Liotta the baseball player – he of the 1-5 record and 7.58 ERA for Class A Winston-Salem – is no “Shoeless” Joe. Unless of course he’s been acting all this time. ...
The Yankees have yet to even break ground for the new Yankee Stadium, but superlatively self-indulgent members of the Yankees Entertainment System broadcast team – better known as the YES men – have already dubbed the event the greatest of its kind, the most groundbreaking groundbreaking ever. …
Wily Mets right-hander Orlando Hernandez is often referred to as the “Master of Deception,” which sounds more like the name of a cartoon supervillain conglomerate than a tribute to a pitcher’s cunning on the mound. I can hear it now: Tune in next week as He-Man and the Masters of the Universe battle Skeletor, Orlando Hernandez and the Masters of Deception in a showdown that will settle the score between good and evil and determine the fate of Eternia. …
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| Apollo Creed truly became the "Master of Disaster" upon challenging Ivan Drago to a fight in "Rocky IV." |
Speaking of masters, the “Master of Disaster” – Apollo Creed’s nickname in the “Rocky” movies – never really made much sense to me. Sure, it sounded cool, what with the basic rhyming scheme and – speaking of which – implication of domination. But what in Balboa’s name is a master of disaster? How would one go about mastering disaster, and why? Disaster is something you should avoid like the plague, not embrace as a self-defining area of expertise. Now “Master of Disaster Control,” that’s a title worth shooting for. Calamity regulation and diffusion, after all, is a noble occupation. But a plain old “Master of Disaster,” though phonetically menacing, is no more worthy than a “King of Catastrophe,” a “Duke of Debacle,” a “Tyrant of Tragedy” or a “Fuhrer of Failure.” …
Three strikes and you’re out. It’s become a staple of American jurisprudence, a pillar of the lexicon that extends far beyond the game of baseball. And rightfully so; it has quite a nice ring to it and an easily understood analogousness that the great American pastime tends to afford. But sometimes, three strikes is one too few to call a man out. Sometimes, the batter deserves another chance. And sometimes, “four balls and you walk” is the more appropriate policy. …
Giants defensive end Adrian Awasom sounds more like a figment of Vince McMahon’s imagination than an NFL football player. That was a musing, and I’m Dean Christopher.
Dean Christopher Chiungos is a fantasy baseball writer/editor for MLB.com and an Eagle-Tribune columnist. Visit his Web site at http://deans-list.net. E-mail him at dean.christopher@deans-list.net. |
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