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Sean Casey Voodoo Doll Night 08-09-2006 In an ironic turn of events, former Pirates first baseman Sean Casey had appeared in only 59 of the team’s first 103 games when he sat out his own bobblehead night at Pittsburgh’s PNC Park due to a strained oblique. "As the game went on, it just tightened up," said Casey, adding that “it felt like it was a softball in my rib all day.” Hmmm. Increasing, localized pain? Miniature dolls bearing the victim’s likeness? Sounds more like “Sean Casey Voodoo Doll Night” to me. …

The Fantasy Fantasy 07-29-2006 In a mind-numbing development, so-called fantasy baseball experts have begun referencing “batted balls over 380 feet” as an index of power. Putting aside how ridiculous “batted balls over 380 feet” sounds, ask yourself if a 381-foot flyout to dead center at Dolphin Stadium qualifies as a batted ball over 380 feet? It better. What about batted balls under 380 feet that leave the yard? Do they qualify? I hope not. And how might one go about tracking batted balls over 380 feet? Is this to suggest that every ball batted in the field of play qualifies as a tape-measure shot? If so, where’s the tape? Who’s measuring? And what’s so special about 380 feet? Why not 372 feet, or 383.7? And where in the name of objectivity is this data coming from? Is “batted balls over 380 feet” even a real statistic? Or is it nothing more than a fantasy fantasy? …

TBN: The Bullpen Network 07-25-2006 Have you heard? TNT’s Monday night lineup features the “The Closer” at 9 followed by “Saved” at 10, leading Hollywood insiders to speculate that “The Fireman” can’t be far behind. Still no word on the network’s plan to stick with the not-so-subtle theme, change its name to TBN (The Bullpen Network) and develop a night of original programming centered around middle relief – say, “Setup Saturday.” …

The Licking 07-16-2006 In an historic development, United States Postmaster General John E. Potter recently dedicated stamps commemorating Yankees legends Mickey Mantle, Roy Campanella, Hank Greenberg and Mel Ott during a pregame ceremony at Yankee Stadium. Still no word on whether Potter will succumb to growing pressure from the New York media to add a living legend to the mix – namely, reigning American League MVP Alex Rodriguez – so boo-happy Bomber fans can give the overpaid underperformer a thorough tongue-lashing at any hour of the day. …

Guardado For Nothing ... And The Chick For Free? 07-08-2006 In a questionable turn of events, the Reds sent Minor League right-hander Travis Chick to Seattle in exchange for veteran southpaw Eddie Guardado and cash. When asked if he'd ever picked up a Chick for cash before, Mariners general manager Bill Bavasi declined comment. Members of Dire Straits, meanwhile, can't understand why Bavasi didn't just give Guardado for nothing and get the Chick for free. …

Sew what? 06-30-2006 In conjunction with the National Needlearts Association, the Twins have invited their fans to knit, crochet, embroider, cross-stitch and – yes – needlepoint during an upcoming game against the Indians. “We are looking forward to an exciting ‘Stitch ’N Pitch’ event at the Metrodome,” said Patty Parrish, executive director of TNNA. “This event is for anyone who has an interest baseball and the needlearts.” Which begs the question: Who are these people? …

Mountain Mania 06-25-2006 In 2005, no starter reached the 250-inning mark for the first time in big-league history – a sad reflection on the state of baseball. With all the pitcher pampering running roughshod over today’s game, consider that Frank Mountain threw 503 innings over 59 starts for the 1883 Columbus Buckeyes. Talk about a man – a Mountain Man – living up to his name. Frank Mountain didn’t need a pitch count, never mind an innings report. Hell, he didn’t even keep track of starts. Frank Mountain trapped fur in the offseason, carried a muzzle loader and a butcher knife, dressed in animal pelts and sported the beard of God. Frank Mountain traded himself to the Pittsburgh Alleghenys in 1885 for an old pint of whiskey, with no regrets. Frank Mountain stared Death straight in the eyes and vanquished him with a fastball. And Frank Mountain threw a 20-inning, complete-game shutout on a three-legged horse with no name. …

Groundhog Day 06-20-2006 Opening day might be in early April, but the baseball season doesn’t officially begin until Cubs right-hander Mark Prior emerges from the disabled list after a long winter of R&R (that’s rest and rehabilitation). This year’s debut showcased a shadow of a man (seven earned runs in 3 2/3 innings), a sign that perhaps Prior – he of the strained right shoulder – should return to the DL for another six weeks. Indeed, the four gopher balls he served up were no coincidence.

Milking The Injury 06-15-2006 In a questionable turn of events, Jeromy Burnitz recently took some time away from the Pirates to nurse a sore calf. Still no word on why the calf was sore and – more importantly – why the veteran right fielder skipped work to tend to a young cow. …

The Moises Fly Trap 06-10-2006 His right ankle 90 percent healed, Moises Alou was recently activated from the disabled list after running on the basepaths and catching flies. Still no word on whether the Giants outfielder used a sweaty old glove or a fresh set of chopsticks to nab the feisty insects. …

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